I found out he doesn't have a facebook, twitter, or myspace. So, I'm going to actually go to his house to spy on him.
i would never do something against you youre the best i ever had
please tell me you did not just intentionally quote drake..
There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
Anyway, it's clearly a shapeshifting vagina/AT-AT, which I never said I was SEXUALLY attracted to. Just that I liked it.
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
I'm pretty sure I went in the girls bathroom and vomited everywhere then looked for a urinal for like 20 minutes
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