Naturally, I just peed all over the floor. Two guys in front of me looked at me, but i just shrugged. They won't remember either.
I don't have the urge to be a home-wrecker with these two. I think I've grown, don't you?
I'm glad you trust me to be your sex stat keeper.
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
He just called me juicy booty via text message.
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
I just watched a guy smoke weed through a French Horn. He is my hero
I think a van full of parolees just blew me kisses. Thoughts?
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
I'm ready to sell my soul to the strip club tonight
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
Going to give your dick a friendship bracelet.
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
Randomize
