Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
you need to know that there is a kid here wearing an i mosh for Jesus shirt
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
Sorry, I am not your wing girl tonight,. in my pjs, eating cereal from the box. Hell I only shaved the inside of my legs just so they wouldn't itch. Not happening.
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
downside - we got stuck at the intersection before the santa clause parade started and had to wait for it to end. upside - i got frontrow seats and a blow job to the santa clause parade.
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
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