New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
sitting in class between the roommates of the two girls i fucked over break. this feels like a bad version of wife swap
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
Nothing says never again like hurling in the shower.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
Thank you for not boning my boss.
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
What if he turns back to me, finds me seemingly fondling my breasts, and thinks I'm turned on by eagles?
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
That's crazy. Wow that lady must be fucked up
Yeah I hope she's okay.
I'm still going to fuck her husband but I do hope she's okay.
Where is everybody?
It's pretty much split between the strip club and jail.
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
I've got two reasons for you to come over later and one of them is pierced.
Randomize
