dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
Yea, remember to blow out the fire from flaming shots. Unless you want burnt lips. Just saying, I'm an example of ignorance and intoxication.
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
I rolled out of the car, crawled on all fours to the door, did somersaults all the way to my room, and then I ran across the parking lot to tell our neighbor you wanted to bang him. I'm not even sure if it was the right guy.
She didn't need to know her brother was thrown out of a bar for getting head on the dance floor. You're a shit head.
I don't always steal things but when i do it is a six foot five dos equis guy
Using our apartments online floor/space planner to see how many beer pong tables we can fit. Dont think they had this in mind when they put this thing online.
Probably not lol but were fitting as many as possible
do you think this outfit says "I maintained my dignity this weekend"?
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
I got my period today and I cried tears of joy. And then just cried because my cramps are actually killing me from the inside out.
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
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