Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
she had a pic of herself in a bikini as the wallpaper on her iPhone... I'm sensing a Tyra banks kinda girl. shit.
I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
i am positive it's ok to drink. it's just pieces of the plastic knife i forgot was in the blender.
He's been grabbing my ass as a greeting since 2004, sex was overdue
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
We found a swing set....it's in the front yard.
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
It made me think of you cause he just screamed "CAPTAIN PLANET" a lot and kicked people in the balls.
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
We need more drag queens in our life I've decided
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
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