I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
i'm as serious about my hair as jesse from full house.
that is uncle jesse to you, show some respect.
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
Naw, the sex dungeon had to come down so we could build a nursery. Cause and effect really.
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
FIND ME A DICK TO RIDE THAT HOPEFULLY IS ATTACHED TO A CUTE PERSON AND NICE PERSONALITY
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED. Is it okay if I only get 2 out of 3?
The D is nonnegotable.
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
Also I am throwing a blaZer over what I wore to bed and calling it an outfit.
QUICK FAX ME THE BALL
Not how faxing works at all btw
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
Even after hearing me fuck his friend twice in one night, he still follows me around like a puppy.
Randomize
