Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
no one will drink with you if you continue to listen to beyonce
he actually proposed, and i threw up on him...i guess 5 glasses of wine was a bad idea.
I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
i keep seeing random pieces of my outfit all around town.
In class ... We were just assigned groups for the quarter... Remember that night we took shots from that guys pants? I now know his name
I don't think of it as I'm taking a pole dancing class...its more like I'm making myself recession proof
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
I love you but I don't want to see you naked.
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
I just hooked up with the German exchange student who doesn't speak English. And you said I have no talent.
Randomize
