Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
just apologized to a random stranger while waiting in line for coffee. last night was that drunk
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
I just picked up my chili cheese fries off the ground ate them, and then licked up the cheese that was still on the concrete. Thank you Jagerbombs
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
i woke up and saw you were brushing his hair naked. I can never pass out around you, man.
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
I cnant read. Cheetos goen. Help. Grt Cheetos.
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
She asked me if I would fuck her with my storm trooper mask on
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
So I fell alseep while I was motorboating that girl last night infront of the entire party.
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