i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
I just made a milkshake without a blender... thats determination
It was like little house on the drunk prairie.
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
Come down here. We are watching people walk through the paper we taped in front of the elevator.
I fucking give up. OKC is where small penises go to disappoint me.
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
I asked him to help me break in the space ship aka my bed.
On a scale from 1 to total dick, how inappropriate is it to pick your boyfriend up from rehab with a hangover?
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
We're getting a bucket of chicken and screwing around, so no, you can't join us.
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