did u really fuck my little sister???
im not saying yes or no but just know that my answer rhymes with "mess"
we just did breakfast shots, I have a black eye and savage garden is on . Best weekend ever
Just found my DARE notebook from 6th grade. Extacy was starred and highlighted.
At least I've made one childhood dream come true
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
The police scanner is talking about you again....
There's a questionable stain on Harley's bed...would they have sex on a dog bed?
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
i'm hungover but need to study so i had a vodka orange juice, three ibuprofen and an adderall for breakfast. what up med school
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
You chugged Absolut from a beer bong. Why WOULDN'T you be a champion?
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