Vomit. Vomit. Whatever. You wear a tiara in public.
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
I had it in my eyebrows, my bangs, under one eye, and across both cheeks. Congratulations on the successful and elusive warpaint cumshot.
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
I did the seizure Bad Romance dance again last night, didn't I?
you were really good actually. your skill is increasing over time
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
Even the bar was yelling boobs, so of course the shirt came off
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
You don't understand. This could be the last time I shave a star into my vag. Get over here.
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
So please don't worry, but I need some help getting blood out of my drywall so I can get my security deposit back. I would not ask if the need was not great.
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
We need to move to a different bar soon. When we're standing on the patio, and every guy around us has seen us naked...there's a problem
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
Randomize
