when I'm not with you everything just looks like crayon scribble
I may or may not be laying in bed naked watching The Nanny. Niles is so spunky.
You wanted to speak to the manager of mcdonalds as to why a "bag of cheeseburgers" isn't a menu option.
an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
I am going to dream of scrotums tonight, I just know it.
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
Plus it's a good way to scope out guys. Have them fight for you, like real males do in nature.
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
it was like 6 shots in and he was automatically my type
Randomize
