I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
When did we start counting Thursdays as weekends?
When we got our fake ids in grade 11, why?
I just feel like it's time to start counting wednesdays as well...
I started the year with 2,800 dollars and am now down to 83 dollars-one of which i use to snort my focalin. I have given up on food and am perplexed as to how I can make 82 dollars last more than two weekends for booze
I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
bro i dont care how hot she was, you try keeping it up with the amount of puppet he had in her room, it was like fucking in jeff dunham's house
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
I'm not finished with being a sloppy white girl alcoholic. I didn't postpone having a husband and kids for sober weekends.
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
After round two, I told him he deserves an award. He bowed and did a princess wave WHILE his dick was still inside me.
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