I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
just upgraded from jello shots to jello bowls blacking out just got that much more delicious
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
That girl you went home with last night was dressed in a bright blue sweats at the bar. 205lb Smurffete FTL. Boy were you in epic form.
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
5am is far to early to be on jagerbomb number 6 right now
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
Directions to your booty call: go down the part of Route 66 that has all the car dealerships, motels and bad decisions, go past the Christian college and turn left at the Children's Center.
Fucking in bar bathrooms doesn't count as "rushing things"
See, I'm just thinking of how...angular my room is. You probably would have sustained brain damage
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
Seriously. There were about 4 hours in which I swear my nose was not attached to my face.
Randomize
