Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
He went down on me while i ate a whole 7/11 pizza. New level unlocked
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
wheres my face? and why is my pocket so big?
He got mad at you last time bc you tried to rap battle him via text. This is strictly business.
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
Very interesting. Let's just say I got home last night and threw up, found a joint in my bra, and woke up naked in my bed
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
Randomize
