In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
Why are handjobs necessary in class?
Pretty girls always come out on top. Or bottom. Whatever. Point is we come out with their boyfriends.
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
Omg! I'm gonna have a heat stroke. I'm going to collect my sweat and drink it for a buzz and hydration purposes
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
I'd like to thank you fucktards for dumping the WHOLE box of Tricuits in my bed after I passed out.
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
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