Whatever is fine with me, as long as I am dressed in green and end up shitfaced.
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
They made the rule if I caught the ball with my cleavage they would drink the entire beer pong table. I don't think they expected me to actually do it.
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
ted dressed as a cardinal led an expedition across campus. i felt like one of the 12 apostles.
I was Jaeger weird. I was rolling on the floor pretending to be an Olympic gymnast and my name was Gina
I'm not sure New Orleans is real. Even the grocery stores sell vodka.
He overslept for our prescheduled morning sex. The fact that my vagina isn't enough to get him out of bed was the last straw.
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
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