Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
That big chick who gave you the handly polished off one of the walls to the ginger bread house right before she came outside. FYI
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
I told my grandmother all I want is a nice guy who likes to be tied up.
Did you get any pics? And I can only imagine how inferior you must have felt knowing that somewhere in that room was a guy whose penis was the length of your forearm.
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
I need to get all the one night tinders in my system before I move back in with my parents
Can I make sure all my sluttiness goes to you when I die? You're the only person I know who'll make use of it
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
If you survived your 72 hour masturbation marathon put on some pants and come over. My mom dropped off a lasagna.
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