Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
He's pole dancing on a heat lamp.
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
we got 12 live crabs and then we got really stoned and know we're playing with the crabs. thats nom watermellon nom. now i'm plaing with a crap whos such a gentleman
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
You said you wanted to wrap his dick in a tortilla and make a spicy burrito. Let me just say, most girls don't have this hard of a time getting laid.
he told me it was nice to see me not blacked out mumbling to myself in the front seat, I told him it was nice to see him not in handcuffs.
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
I don't trust a bar IN TENNESSEE that doesn't have Jack Daniels.
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
No, this year you're all getting coupons for things like "no yelling because you had sex in my apartment" or "the last beer."
Randomize