Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
P.S. theres no milk for breakfast, but theres plenty of beer or red wine. you decide.
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
yeah. then i thought it would be a good idea to show them how hairy my armpits were, so they'd be distracted from the bush in my pants. EPIC FAIL.
would you kill someone to have someone deliver pancakes to you when you were high?
Yeah I'm about to go down a waterslide that comes out a 2nd story window. I love college.
I'm pretty sure he's lost all respect for me. it probably happened somewhere around the time i had officially slept with every single one of his friends..
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
Hope I didn't wake u up but I woke up and there is a shirt, boxers, belt and jeans on my balcony, along with a naked guy who claimed to scale the building
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
Well for decently drunk, in the woods, last-person-i-should-be-hooking-up-with sex, i thought it was pretty good.
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
On a scale of 1 to alcoholic in withdrawal how ready will you be to start drinking as soon as you arrive on campus?
Randomize
