I'm sitting at the gyno watching cnn in the waiting room
Everyone is walking funny when they come out, ugh I'm not looking forward to this
Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
Situation: He got it in my eye, how long do I let it sting before should start to worry?
He had one of those small greek statue penises
I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
dude, never let a drunk girl playbite your dick. the doctor came in laughed and left.
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
I will be your sherpa up the mountain of gayness
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
I just want somewhere where I can sit down, without changing my clothes, that will serve me breakfast food and booze. Is that too much to ask?
A guy at my table is reading a magazine called "Cheese Connoisseur"
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
It’s Sunday Funday! Stop watching football and bring your penis over here. There will be plenty of scoring!
Randomize
