We woke up next to each other with a mutual look of disgust, and then he left. I knew I should have gone for the younger brother.
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
I'm walking down the halls of our hotel and listening for sex noises and knocking when I do.
The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?
We left at the same time. You got home three hours after I did and said you got your head stuck in a fence. I can't believe you don't remember this.
as I was walking out the door her and her roommate started singing "toot it and boot it".. I'm in love
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
I literally have a pirate chest of slutty clothing.
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
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