Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
I just took a girl with a hip brace and crutches on a date. she obviously can't bone. is it rude to demand a blowjob?
hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
While you wait, fill out your state patrol application. Not trying to be your mom, I just really want to fuck a cop.
Perfect. Let's do that. I'm thinking everclear and green dye as our base. We shud start from there
I woke up on a navy base in a different time zone. I'm never leaving tallahassee again.
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
I WOULD NEVER LIE ABOUT SOMETHING AS SERIOUS AS SABADO GIGANTE BEING CANCELED
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
Randomize
