i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
She used my dick as a microphone to sing "any way you want it" I'm in love.
I had forgotten what it was like to go to all four classes. It's exhausting.
I hope this adventure ends at a hospital
i hope youre ready for a shit show because we just ordered a whole pitcher of red headed sluts
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
Just had Jager bombs for breakfast with her roommate... I do not regret this newfound lesbianism.
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
I want to but I can't have a boner while doing a install and working with a customer
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
I got my period during my acid trip. It was weird.
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
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