but what if he tries to talk dirty to me with the lisp?
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
judging by the pasta sauce and dirty pans i spent my blackout being emeril
She's grinding on a deaf black man and I'm the interpreter.
well what is some mechanical horse racing with out blow involved
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
did you just try to prove your straightness by quoting a lady gaga song?
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
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