laying in bed listening to christian music, jealous of the hope they have for their life. also need to beat off, can i think about you?
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
I looked her in the eye and told her I was 'balls deep' in love with her...She said that wasn't saying much. Time to drink away the sadness...
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
And think got sick again from going outside naked. Word to all females...don't try the naked trench coat thing.
Yeah, you went up to him and said "I stare at people until they feel obligated to talk to me."
No man. Everyone needs to shit off a roof, at least once.
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
Goodnight Shia. Goodnight Moon.
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
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