Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
he is a creepy guy.
yea thats what heroine does to ppl.
It has to be really easy to get midgets drunk.
I'm making a conscious effort to limit my spending at the bars...i wrote "FOR CAB ONLY" on a $20 last night
dude, I just walked in on your little brother changing clothes...I'm ashamed to say I noticed, but that kid has as MASSIVE cock...
Yeah...we all know. it's the elephant in the room at family gatherings.
that is a frighteningly accurate metaphor for it.
I just got while a charlie horse while orgasming...most confusing feeling ever...
You had us pull over so you could pee, you proceeded to pee in some random persons front yard while yelling "im not ashamed"
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
The goal for tonight is vagina. In and around. Doesn't matter who. How. Or why.
The straight guy here is hot. He described himself as Christian grey without the money and my vagina fell out of my body
I think his roommates are using word magnets to tell me that they can hear us. His fridge currently says, "Chris ate out naughty girl."
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
is it too soon to tell him I'm available anytime for Christmas themed pity sex and I'll even wear a Santa hat?
Randomize