Her brother was practicing the clarinet....it was like having sex in a starbucks
He told me he felt like he shoud say thank you and as a prize i could keep anything from his room that i wanted.
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
Also, if someone could cut me off before im rolling around the yard pantsless with a 40 year old lesbian that would be awesome.
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
There was a deer right in front of me when I came. Sex in the forest is awesome
I have a bad feeling I'm going to like this fuck buddy
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
he pulled my tampon string out with his teeth like a grenade pin yelling frag out! That's why I fuck guys back from deployment. They'll go the distance
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
Randomize
