got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
if you just come over, i will entertain you
arguing about the color of your bong does not count as entertainment
This is my first time seeing you since your lesbian experience. SO EXCITED!
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
i will not be out-irished. not this night. if i don't wake up tomorrow handcuffed to a hospital bed, i have failed my ancestors.
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
Trust me, I'm a professional lesbian.
It's has to do with my genitals. Don't ask.
yeah, i thought because of the nature of his job he would have been better at it, but i guess there's a difference between a bagpipe and vagina
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
Randomize
