I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
i think that dennys waitress has my boxers
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
Fair warning: We've transformed the living room into a giant tent.
we couldn't find any funnels so we taped a spaghetti strainer to a pool noodle and it worked fairly well
my first words to him the next morning were "do you like magic"?
Dude, we apparently put a washing machine drum in that back of your truck with the full intention of making a bonfire in it.
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
He literally just peed in a trash can in our room. It didn't even have a bag in it
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
I'm getting reacquainted with drunk me. She has grown up a lot.
I just slept for fifteen hours straight. It's like my body knows i'm drinking with you and is preparing..
Randomize
