I keep pulling short curlies out of my mouth. Not cool
Dude, Her having kids just means she puts out.
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
Dude, smoked out of a pumpkin tonight. I like Halloween more now
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
Dude id rather jerk off w a fist full of bee's than deal with that girl that never stops talking.
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
I didn't punch him it was just love coming out of my fist
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
my life could not get any worse. just saw my sister in a porno
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
I'm going to need a penis the size of a bat
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
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