I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
The worse part is i sent a text at like three that said i was getting head... Now i have no idea who's mouth has been on my dick
I miss the days when all my weekends consisted of were 69 and crunchwraps
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
I cried and ate like 6 tacos in the taco bell parking lot at almost midnight, sober, alone, listening to a demi lavato cd. And that was the good part.
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
after further investigation i found out he's a little bit married..
We got back from the bar and started watching bizzare foods, which subsequently led to the consumption of large amounts of rancid lunch meat and small insects.
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
He was feeling me up but acting like he was asleep. Like WTF does that mean??
this is the fourth time i've taken my clothes off for money this year. is that normal for the average college sophomore?
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
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