You know when the three of us hug it out in the alcohol isle in walmart it's gonna be fun.
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
If shame burned calories, I'll be back to my birth weight by the end of this weekend.
Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
yeah, but I wanna be the girl that makes him realize he's 100% gay
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
Randomize