Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
At what number of girls whose last names are stored in your phone book as drinking establishments does it become excessive?
For once I'm glad there wasn't morning sex. Yes, that sore from the night before.
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
i'm drunk and confused. there might be a 4 year old here.
I distinctly recall there being a "I can't be dead 2maro" stipulation to going out last night. There's been a breech of contract
I'm so glad I got to use the word gutterslut before 11:00a today.
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
Hello! Time means nothing. Good morning! I have a vague idea of what day it is.
It is Muednethiday, March 34th, in the Year of Our Lord Joe Exotic 3099.
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