I fink we're distracting them from bumping the proverbial uglies
I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
Heated debate on which is worse. Pissing your pants or puking all over yourself
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
apparently i walked around all last night forcing people to beer bong whatever drink was in their hand. so far this morning ive had three people refer to me as beer bong man
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
Haha yeah my head's fine..sorry about the dent in your fridge.
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
He's rescued me passed out naked on the playground next door and I've rescued him passed out naked in the middle of campus. That's why we're a great couple.
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
We get drunk and make out in different places. Is that what love is?
I've given up on the male species, I'm just going to be a lonely whore for the rest of my life.
Randomize
