No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
Same, I didn't even get to be tarzan this summer
Met some locals. They are taking me to a place where there is topless bullriding. I love this country.
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
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