I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
Boss out of town. Had 2 beers for lunch, a long walk and a bowl...and then in he comes. Blamed obvious intoxication on my pain meds. Back at the bar. This is one of those bad judgement days.
You know your horny when you have a sex dream about Ace Ventura, if your wondering he's awful
he kissed both of us goodnight when we dropped him off...I didn't know if I was more offended or impressed
I mean, you've had my nipples in your mouth now, so I think we've reached a certain level of friendship.
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
Randomize
