Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
I got her a Nickelback box set.
Puking in one of the stalls, a guy ran in and started puking in the other stall... In between heaves we told each other our names; i found out that it was my old best friend that moved away in the 8th grade
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
She literally just puked and rallied AT HER OWN WEDDING. Welcome to White Trash town, America.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
This coke is making my nose hairs dance. That good.
He could only go twice. I need a guy with more stamina and is less married
I would professionally fuck the shit out of her
Correction: *I* watched JoJo's Bizarre adventure while he snored asleep on me cock still fully inside me.
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
Randomize
