Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
It smells like Drakkar Noir and desperation out here.
That's why you should quit smoking.
a lady just got escorted out of the bar because she came in carrying a can of gasoline while smoking a cigarette....this place is the definition of class
There was a lot of him and a little penis
I am wasted and people are fist pumping. This should not happen on the west coast.
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
5th glass of wine. There's pictures of Jesus everywhere. It's like you're constantly reminded of your sins here.
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'm sorry but you're choosing a girl that faked a pregnancy when you wouldn't return her calls over a more attractive sane girl who you begged for a chance with last week? God you're a loser.
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
multitasking: i'm now sitting up and smoking my joint.
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
Tell me how you feel about belly buttons
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
Randomize
