We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
i was more sad about losing him as neighbor on fishville than as a boyfriend
Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
The one from last night got me a whole floor of Eskimo Brothers. There was a celebration of high fiving as I left
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
Your text makes more sense read in reverse.
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
Your feet probs hurt bc the cab driver kicked us out a mile from home after you wouldn't stop screaming "prohibition can suck my dick"
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
I've also stopped shaving, like, everything. I can't tell if I'm empowered or sad
Started mixing booze directly into the 2 liters and carrying them around. Mixing less often, and now kind of weightlifting,so double effecient.
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
Randomize
