see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
You know there's only so much I can do with a great personality.
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
WHY are the edges of my bra charred???
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
Imagine getting smashed in the dick by a basketball. A basketball made of metal. With spikes. That's pretty much what his dick looked like.
PS my house is a mess.
pps I have a rash on my face.
Threw up in hyvee parking lot. Thanksgiving shopping complete.
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
...hi
YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF
Ok cool I was afraid you'd never speak to me again. I can work with this.
Kids music just accidentally came on at this party. I didn't know how many stoners were here until they all sang along.
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
Randomize
