I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
I wasn't fucked. I was just drunk, because i was still able to walk into the woods and masterbate.
ok this is the part where i go up stairs and pass out incoherently untill 6 30 tommaorw morning and not rember any of this. love youuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu!
he was so high that he wouldn't speak to anybody for like 30 minutes, he'd only gobble, like a turkey.
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
he was terrible at kissing, so i just kept letting him motorboat me. he seemed very pleased with my choice
just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
He said that he had extra crunchy taquitos and wanted to go down on me.. I mean how could I say no?
My books smell like weed. What does that tell you about my college experience?
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