yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
She gave 2 thumbs up when Nirvana came on the radio while blowing me in the bathroom
Is it sad that I just used my electrical knowledge to not only fix but improve my vibrator?
full cup flip cup was not exactly the reason I wanted to tell the cops when I was sleeping on the curb
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
this temple that is my body is starting to crumble and turn into ruins
she doesn't even know what year it is. She just stumbles around life with a bottle of rum
I tried to take a cute nude but sneezed halfway through. I sent it anyway
you can tell a lot about a person by the quality of their porn
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
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