Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
I'm amazed your boyfriend is still with you, how do you manage to pee on him while he is holding you in his lap?
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
Try to make ecstasy cheese. Capitalize on the molly and greek yogurt trends. MARKETING
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
Randomize
