My milkshake brings 85 to 90 percent of the boys to the yard
So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
just leaving uw hospital. they thought i had franzia-induced appendicitis. whaaaaat
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
It's like a new game! Find out if he's circumcised without actually seeing it
What I'm trying to say is, that time you chained me to my dresser and made me beg for it was incredibly romantic.
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
I won't be able to get a boner for a month
Challenge accepted.
He can keep it, but if he asks for anything else i'm just going to start pissing on things.
At least your vagina gets to vagina again. Dust that thing off.
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
Omfg 7 hour sex session who am I?
PS: I think I'm in love
Ability to walk tomorrow tbd
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