My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
I cannot convey how much I really do love Chris Hansen. FYI: he is the JC Chasez of my adult years.
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
I told him I'd rather have sex with his father last night. I'll admit now that I was drunk.
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
Stripping out of my teacher clothes to Talk Dirty to Me. Who let me become a teacher?
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
It's ok, it's locked within patented Sealrite technology. That puke is staying fresh
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
its as if im in a choose your own adventure book. except im not the reader and someone else is choosing my fate...one awesome decision at a time.
Randomize
