Feel like bed is flying. Not sure where we're going. Hope there is candy.
the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
Too long to explain. Basically I started an electircal fire. No one was hurt except for a box of cereal near the outlet.
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
So while you were living in this woman's apartment, you acquired a room mate, fucked her daughter, and killed her bunny. Worst sitter ever
Oh my lord it is too early in the morning to be that horny freak
my vagina doesn't wear a watch
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
april was a good month for me, sexually...doubled my number, had a threesome, fucked a girl for the first time and two different boys in one night. there should be a medal
Imagine we only get one cock for the rest of your life. I’d pick his dick. That good!
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