WTF YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND?
Oh yeah that.
you know how i said i wouldn't send that pic message of your lofted bed falling from you fucking a fat chick? that was after i sent it to your mom
got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
work has become about six times more interesting since i started fucking my boss.
gorilla chasing a banana on crotch rockets. Halloween is getting way too real
It's like some sort of initiation to finger one of them... so I did it. And got high fived afterwards like a dozen times.
Those were right hand only?
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
A fire alarm is going off in some building, people are running around naked and people are passed out in the MIDDLE of the sidewalk. If they ban parties again, I'm going to be pissed.
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