wrigley field is MILF paradise
I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
Why's my alcoholism being used to prove a point?
You were passed out on the chair and when I asked you if you were okay you looked up and said "I'm fine, I was just pretending for a picture" then passed out again.
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
While you were in the ER we decided to tailgate in the parking lot until security told us that's not allowed.
The entire time I'm blowing him she's in the back seat lecturing me on the reasons why you're not suppose to do that while they're driving...
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
Boys should be on-demand - like, once you select one, he's yours for the next 24-hours
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
How good was the sex? She sent me a fruit basket the next day.
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
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