Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
i wonder if detective benson from law and order takes those handcuffs home. i bet she does.
I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
Indoor beer darts at Rafs just turned into a trust exercise of putting your hand on the wall and closing your eyes while the other throws.. Almost gave Cale a Tracheotomy
I just heard my parents fuck. What. The. Fuck. My rooms right under theirs.. My dad barely even lasted a minute. Im almost ashamed..
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
Why the fuck is there a picture of us jumping a girl that's wearing my chicken mask?
I honestly just wanna put my face in her tits and disappear from this plane of existence
Tinder has really served to stimulate the number of sex related demons summonings.
Is constant horniness a medical condition? Because a husband, a boyfriend and an office side piece should be enough penis for one girl - but they’re not :-(
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