I fink we're distracting them from bumping the proverbial uglies
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
after a few more beers I realized that both my wife and I like Latin men.
you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
If you can find a Canadian Lesbian to have pity sex with me, let me know.
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
And noooow we're smoking a ton of REALLY strong weed and THIS IS THE SOFTEST CAT EVER
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
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