So I said to her: one time i broke my dick and when they took off the cast i could cum across a baseball field
So we made editble underwear with fruit roll ups and fruit by the foot
I peed while puking? Even better
Yes you most deff did. Ultimate multi tasker you are
its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
I hate drunken dyslexia, i thought she said "someone to do" not "something to do" long story short i now have a restraining order.
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
what do i owe you?
$237.46 to be exact.
if im having that much fun on the weekend i better start remembering it.
He also informed us that it's rude to shove your tit in someone's mouth. Happy Monday.
The sad thing is; I'm getting used to walking around feeling like I could hurl at any minute.
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
i was so high i thought the horse on my poster was running
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
If everything else in my life fails, at least I just had one of my top orgasms
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