I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
the trail of clothing leading from the bed to the door was in the exact order i needed to put them on. underwear near the bed shoes by the door.
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
2 classes, 3 finals, and $30 worth of adderall until this semester is over.
IM PICKING UP BLOW FOR US STOP WHINING ABOUT SEX
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
My neck feel like I've been sucking Goliath's dick.
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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