Nights of college: 1. Virgins: 1. Yes.
I'll go out only because I know the starving children in third-world countries would frown upon us if we let an hour of free sangria go to waste...
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
Give me the approximate price and I'll give you the equivalence in blowjobs.
She passed out in his mom's bed and when we went to go get her she went 'no its cool I live here'.
He ripped off his shirt and tried to give me CPR. That damn bong.
I'm currently looking through google images of circumsized penises and realizing how vital pre-marital sex is.
Want to get drunk and look at an xray of my dick?
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
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