**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
He barged in the room with no shirt on, all fucking ripped with a half keg under one arm. Sara now calls him Bronan the Beerbarian
Def just threw up beer then brushed my teeth with some randos toothpaste now back to drinkin beer
I'm gonna go ahead and say I love our drinking habits but anytime we roundhouse a 750 of Schnapps on the way to a non competitive bowling league we might have problems
Everything was going well until he very loudly said that he wanted to cum on my fingernails.
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
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