Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
She told me that she faked her orgasm. Does she think I care??
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
I drank all the drinks. And jump off roof. Yay
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
Can't keep a straight face around her after she asked me to "make fuck to her."
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
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